One Year Gone

 Yesterday marked a year since Ric passed away.  It still does not seem real.   I keep expecting to see him at different times and different places.   Just this weekend while I took off to "be by myself", when I woke up this morning, I looked over expecting him to be in the next bed (since I could only get a room with two doubles).  

Yesterday I drove to Camp Petosega to spend the afternoon and sprinkle some of Ric and my Mom's ashes.   It was soothing to sit out on the dock by myself (the majority of the time) - talking to Ric; watching the water move, watching the boats, jet skis and people around; sprinkling the ashes a couple different times; reading and reflecting on this past year.

This journey started August 12, 2023.   Ric and I helped out at the Zephyrhills Moose Lodge's Moose Legion monthly breakfast by working the door to collect money and sell raffle tickets and that afternoon went to the monthly district meeting at another Moose Lodge where we ate lunch.    Later that evening Ric started having a harder time breathing, but did not want to head to the ER.   Before I hooked him up for dialysis that night, I asked again about heading into the ER; but he did not want to "nothing they can do for me" was his answer.   He sat up in the loveseat recliner until around 3a, when he tried to come lay down in bed with me.   After an hour, he finally gave up and said it was time to head to the hospital.    His timing was pretty good that his dialysis treatment was near a drain time; so I got Baxter on the phone to find out how to correctly stop his treatment after that drain cycle was completed.   

We got the the hospital ER where they put him on oxygen and took blood and xrays to see what was going on.   Of course, throw in the CLL and ESRD on top of everything to contend with too.   I thought things were going okay the way they were talking to us until one of the pa's talked to me outside of the room and told me the next 24hrs were critical and mentioned Ric was septic.  This was the first time they mentioned him being septic!   WTF?!   At that point, I got scared; but did not mention sepsis to Ric - no need to scare him anymore than he was with having so much trouble breathing.

I don't have my notes here in the hotel - plus no need to go into everything that happened during the time he was in the hospital.   He was his normal "unique" self --- the blood sepsis was an unusual one; then he was diagnosed with another unusual lung infection that ended up eating his lungs and killing him.  

 

The frustrating part of that 31 days in the hospital was fighting with the on call person that was seeing him for the CLL since his oncologist was out of the country part of the time.   Each time I tried to ask about what they were going to do about the CLL getting worse per the labs and scans - she would just tell us she would consult with another doctor about it.   Nothing was ever done about his leukemia taking over his body too.   When I finally asked to have a conference meeting with all the doctors to "get on the same page" - I found out that if they would have tried to fight the leukemia - the other lung infection/sepsis would have rapidly spread throughout his whole body and that would have killed him.    Why this on call doctor could not have explained it that way at the start, I do not know; but, it would have saved alot of grief and aggravation on my part.

 

I also get tired of hearing that Florida and Zephyrhills Hospital killed Ric.   His mother is the one that keeps telling people that living in Florida killed Ric.   I can't say why she says that since I just am amazed that she thinks and says it to everyone that I block her out when she starts on that subject after shaking my head and leaving the area if I can.   I understand getting second opinions too; but I'm not sure once Ric was on the heavy duty oxygen that they could have transferred him to another hospital.   We both trust his lung doctor and his right hand (Cheryl) and the infectious disease doctor we got to know well.  Having medical people you trust to tell you the truth and do everything they can means alot to me.   Plus, I had no family experience with any other hospital near to where we live.    Ric's Mom still believes if he was in Michigan when he got sick; that he would have lived.   Sorry, bullshit.   We do not know any lung doctors here and his cancer doctor would have told us the same thing about why they could not treat the CLL with everything else that was going on in his body.     Anyways....

I did ask about calling his parents down earlier than I did; but was told to wait to see how the new special antibiotic would work on the latest thing attacking his lungs, tongue and eyes.   Both Ric and I kept thinking that this hurdle would be the last one to jump over than he would be getting out.   We were all wrong.   Luckily, Ric's parents, sister and brother-in-law and oldest nephew and his significant other got to Florida and were able to visit with him for part of a day after listening to Cheryl and the hospice person explain what had and was happening.   

 

Don's dementia made him think Ric was one of his brothers when he first came in and saw him sitting in a chair with the high flow oxygen tube.   Shirley and Teri and I kept telling him it was his son Ric.   He brought tears to all of our eyes when he would just look at Ric and say -- come on, you just need to get up and out of here.   I let each couple have some time with Ric on their own as long as they wanted.   His Mom had to come out earlier than she wanted to since Don was having a hard time and bothering Ric too much.    We all left the one room so they could move him to a bigger double room so we all would have more room to visit with Ric as much as we wanted.   (The nurse told me he had a really HARD time on that move in the chair since they had to change him to normal oxygen flow instead of the high flow)  

 

While they were moving him; I asked the gang if they wanted to come back to visit once they all went out to get something for dinner.   They all decided to not come back after dinner.   Once I went back into the new room and saw how much worse Ric looked; I was kinda glad they decided to let him rest.   Just that short sprint down the hallway without the high flow oxygen scared him and wiped him out.    Palliative care brought a small table with snacks and water and pop - so Ric had them give him a bag of Doritos and a Coke to snack on.   He ate part of the small bag and half of the Coke - he said it was nice to eat/drink whatever he wanted now.   I told him I could call the others and bring him an order of lasagna from ABC Pizza, but he said that was too much for now.   I got the new room arranged - with all his cards taped up on the walls so he could see them, stuff put away in the closets and chairs arranged so he could see TV and others could visit when they came back the next day.   We talked a bit and laughed at the sitcom he was watching.   He fell asleep for awhile while I grabbed a snack bag and juice to eat myself.  

When the night nurse came on, she asked me about bringing in extra blanket/pillow for me and I said I would let her know later.   Ric was awake then and said I didn't need to stay.    She also asked about giving him morphine since it was ordered; but Ric said he did not need it yet.   They told us the morphine would also help open up his lungs and help his breathing.   We talked again about me staying the night and running back to our RV park to pick up his Mom in the morning since she wanted to some to sit with Ric without Don around.   Ric told me to go ahead and go home, get some good sleep and come back in the morning with his Mom.   I didn't argue with him.   He finally fell asleep again; but sounded like his breathing was getting worse.   So, I called the nurse in to give him the smallest dose of morphine while I was there.   She did and I stayed for another hour to listen to him.   He sounded a little better and was not working so hard to breathe with the high flow oxygen.    So, I decided to head home.   Little did I know :-(

The next morning I woke up around 6a; but had told Shirley I would pick her up at 8a.   So, I took my time in the shower and finding something to make for breakfast.   Around 745a, Heather (the head nurse of ICU) called me and said Ric was in distress and I should try to come up asap.   I told her I was I dressed and heading out the door shortly.   I stopped to pick up Shirley (going inside to tell Matt what the nurse said and asked him to call his Mom and Dad).   I was a block from the hospital when my cell rang -- it was the doctor telling me Ric had passed away.   I managed to get to the hospital valet parking area while bawling my eyes out.   I could not remember my cell phone number to give the valet; but he recognized me and told me to just go on inside.    He helped to get Shirley's walker out of the back and I just ran into the hospital.    The front desk people recognized me too and just gave me and Shirley a sticker and we got up to ICU as fast as Shirley could go.   

I still have let go all the what ifs and what I should have done.    I'm hoping down the line I can let them go so they don't overwhelm me so much when I think about that time.  #1 I should have stayed with him that night!  or #2 I should have driven in myself after I woke up at 6a.  I could have always went back to the park to pick up Shirley later if he was doing okay at that time.    My other big regret was not knowing what was available regarding getting him up to Michigan for a service than cremation.   I found that out when Michael (one of Teri/Gary's sons) told me about it.   (We did that for Don).   

So, I sent Shirley, Don, Matthew and Alisha heading back to Michigan; while Teri/Gary stayed for almost a week in their camper at another campground.   I waited for Ric's ashes so I could drive him up to Michigan and have a memorial service where we used to live.  That turned out to be harder than it should have arranging the service/luncheon at Don and Shirley's (our old) church.   Thankfully some of the older members that knew Ric and I when we were there stepped out to help out with the luncheon.   I asked one of Ric's cousins to make an urn for Ric after asking him if he still did woodworking.   While I was waiting for the ashes, I was going through pictures to print and try to get another cousin to do a slide show.   I was also working on writing Ric's obituary and deciding where to post it at.   Thankfully his aunts offered to post it on a local TV station in Flint area - so, maybe more people would see it.   I also paid to do the Legacy.com obit.  While in Florida I was trying to google flower shops in area since the one we used to use went out of business and other things.   Sorted through songs to go with the slide show and got the memory card and a check in the mail to the cousin that was going to put that together.  Got the urn in the mail and wept ... it was so beautiful.   Talked to our old pastor to see if he would go up to Kalkaska to do the memorial service since I did not know the current pastor at the church.   Was trying to arrange the service like I wanted it -- a couple poems read, a couple songs sung, open mic for those that wanted to say something, etc.   Got most of that hashed out; then one of my cousins asked about who was doing the eulogy.   OMG --- I totally forgot about that aspect of the service.   I called my brother Tony since he and his wife are great with words/phrasing.   He said he would take care of it and not to worry.   

The church is set up kinda differently -- the chairs are split up in 4 sections and graduate in how many in a row from front to back.   The front two middle rows only have 4 seats in them.   So, I had Don and Shirley and Teri and Gary sit on one side and I sat on the other.   I was trying to figure out who to have sit next to me in the other 2-3 seats.   I asked one of Ric's oldest friends/neighbors that came by herself (that I also asked to take part in reading of the Train of Life) and a cousin of Ric's that was very supportive of me during this time.   I didn't think of having my three brothers sit with me since I did not want to take them away from their wives.   But, I guess I should have.   Another long story about how I disrespected my younger brother later in his eyes at the service.

Then, since I was in Michigan in middle of October with no plans on the horizon - it was decided that I would stay until Shirley and Don normally go back to Florida for the winter season and drive them.   But wait --- I had my car in Michigan!    So....since "they" didn't like the idea of me driving back to Florida myself....another plan was hatched.    I would drive my car and Shirley and Teri would drive the van with Don and Gary was originally suppose to be driving the truck pulling the trailer.   Gary was sick when it was time to leave; so he headed down by himself pulling the trailer a few days after we left.    While Teri was staying at Shirley's - I thought she would could take her to do their grocery shopping.   NOPE!   She told Shirley that she was my job (or such) now that they were in Florida.   WTF!!!   She had nothing to do except wait for her husband to show up so they could continue their vacation that got interrupted when Ric died.   

So....I still have not properly grieved myself and now was taking care of Don and Shirley again with Don getting worse each day with his dementia.  I also had to fight with Shirley about not doing cancer treatments anymore for Don.   They were not really helping now and with his dementia he did not know why we was there or what he was doing.   He actually pulled out his infusion line once and was trying to walk around asking where Shirley was.   Luckily it was just the fluid/nausea meds that they start him on.   

Eventually Don started to stop eating and not drinking much.   He had vomited up blood one morning and Shirley called me to take them to the ER.   They were packed - so, he was in a bed in the ER hallway.   Before they could do any tests; we had mentioned him not eating/drinking much and maybe it was time to call in hospice.   So, Shirley had to make a decision to either do tests (which might bother him) or send him home and call in hospice.   The call was put out for Teri and Gary to come to Florida -- they had been on their winter travels with their trailer and were in New Mexico I believe.  I let all the grandkids know and Michael and Laura decided to head down too.   Don seem to perk up a little when everyone was there and eat/drink a little more; but then he started to refuse it all.   We got him a hospital bed first - against Shirley's wishes and a bedside commode.   Shirley just didn't understand how hard it was to try to take care of him when he was in his own bed in a small RV trailer and to get him from bed to the bathroom with two people helping.    I and Michael tried to talk Shirley and Teri into taking Don back to Michigan.   I really wanted to since I had promised Don if something happened, I would try to get him home to Michigan to die.   If we would have know at the time how much Michigan hospice does vs Florida - we might have won the argument.   But....we didn't at the time and by the time Shirley would consent to call in hospice finally --- it was too late to move him.

So, another trip back to Michigan with my riding with Michael and Teri/Gary driving Shirley and the van.  They left their truck/trailer in Florida and would continue their winter vacation after we drove back to Florida after the service in Michigan.   So, back to Michigan in February for another funeral.   Again, this was for my father-in-law and five months before I had just been through this all by myself.   I thought Teri would help her Mom out; but again NO.   The one thing that she and the grandkids had to do was proofread the obit the funeral home did after Shirley and I talked to them and they did not catch all the mistakes.   So, I took Shirley to the funeral home to help pick out the urn, funeral cards, thank you cards, obit info, death certificate info and life insurance details.   Then since nobody was planning flowers and Shirley was complaining about costs; I took care of a small bouquet from her; something from me; and got the okay for the coffin to be draped with the flag since he was a veteran.    So, after the service and waiting for the ashes; all four of us headed in the van back to Florida.   Teri and Gary stayed a night or two and then took off.   

In the meantime while all this was happening with Don -- I was trying to find a full time job with benefits.   Widow benefits kick in at age 60, but the amount they told me I would get was not enough to live on for the rest of my life.   I had gotten a job offer to start in June for the election board -- it was full time; no benefit and ended the Friday after the November elections.    I was still trying to get into either the hospital or the credit union in Z-hills.   Nothing came about; so I decided to drive Shirley back to Michigan myself and fly home to save her money to fly a daughter or nephew down to do it.   I decided to take a month to visit family and friends in Michigan since I did not know when I would see them again.

After I got home the beginning of June - I did some heavy thinking.   I really did not want to stay in Florida if I could find a job in Michigan.   So, with Tony's help again - I updated my resume and cover letter and applied for a couple positions in Alpena and Traverse City.    I figured if one of them came through right away; it was meant to be.   If not, I would wait and start applying to more places in October closer to when my other job would be finalizing up.    

I had lucky timing in that the TC hospital's year end is June 30th, so they had open the hiring freeze and a job that I was qualified for opened up.   I got the job with a nice sign on bonus (mine to keep as long as I stay a full time employee for 2 yrs!).   

So, I gave notice at the election job just shortly after I started and began figuring out what to pack.   I was also trying to figure out if I could pack/move things and get my place "renter ready" before I left or not.   A couple days after my job offer (to start in 3 weeks); I got notified about my youngest brother having a heart attack.   So, I started packing what I thought I would need for the job and what I could fit in my Escape and got headed to Michigan as soon as my pre-employment labs/appt was done in Florida.

My plan was to stay with Shirley until I could find a place of my own.   Two fold theory ... one to be around for Shirley for moral support/security/help shopping/etc and two much less cost of rent (just higher gas).   I offered Shirley the choice of me staying in the guest bedroom in the house or staying in the bunkhouse.   She decided on me in the bunkhouse "so, we could both have some privacy".    Things are going okay.   But, for some reason, Shirley doesn't want to ask me for help now.   I'm paying her a bit of rent (not much since I'm rarely there except to sleep and weekends).   At least her mind is at ease since each night I have her turn on the porch light and I call her once I'm home from work.   So she has a daily check in M-F and sees me each weekend I"m home since I have to come into the house to do my laundry.

Next month I am moving to Teri and Gary's place in Buckley.   I might save a bit of time and money on gas since it is closer to work; but not by that much.   I will also be paying more rent to them.   They took off in September with their trailer and plan on being gone until end of April or May.  They have a cat that needs taken care of and that is one reason they offered to have me stay at their place,   Plus Teri told her Mom she HAD to go for Florida this winter -- that she (and I) could not stay at the Alden place.    I had planned on if Shirley did not want to go to Florida -- that we would have to pay for have driveway snowplowed and she would spend alot of money in propane.   I was going to share in propane, but not as much since I am not home much, I like it much colder than she does, and the bunkhouse is much smaller than the big house.   Plus, I would be shoveling a path from house to car as part of living there.

So, Shirley is going (complaining each day she talks about it) to Florida by November 9th with Matthew driving her and flying home.   She says she will be putting her place up for sale when she leaves (or before)....so, we will see what happens next winter.

I just found out due to a new system at work - we will not be allowed PTO from Dec 2nd until Feb 7th (or such).    So, much for my plan to fly down in Dec/Jan to pack up/clean up/move things from Florida to Michigan and put my place up for sale.   Now, I might wait until closer to end of April and do it so I can plan on driving Shirley home.   I still have to figure out who I can get to drive a U-haul or Penske truck with my (and probably Shirley's) stuff back to Michigan.

I also need to find a place to rent or buy --- preferably within a 25 minute drive to the hospital -- that I can afford on my new pay.   It will be really nice once I am not paying lot rent for the Florida park model RV.

Until I get my own place, I feel like I am still living in limbo.    I have a bunch of pictures I can't hang on walls and files stored in boxes.   I don't feel like I belong anywhere yet.   

This weekend I decided to book a hotel room for Sat and Sun nights and not tell Shirley or the family where I was going.   I needed the time by myself to grieve Ric and honor his passing a year ago Saturday.  I felt the day went okay.   I was disappointed that I still do not have real internet and our computer hooked up so I have access to all our pictures and things on the computer; but I made due with a photo memory card that I am still carrying around.   

Next week I have to stop by the UPS store and rent a box so I can get a permanent address for a year at least.   Since Shirley is leaving for Florida, I can't keep using hers and i don't want to bother to change to Teri/Gary's address for a few months and change again this spring.   So, UPS mail box until I get a place of my own!   

Well, sorry so long -- but I had to cover a year!    Hopefully I will post something else before next year around Ric's death anniversary.